Saturday, October 18, 2003
Dressed up as an ACS(I) student to attend the ACJC Openhouse. My first time attending the openhouse so I was pretty excited, cause last year was handling a booth. Went around making life difficult for J1s who were handling booths or showing people around lol. Tech Council people were doing the same thing we did last year... taking photos. The only difference was they weren't printing on the spot, but burn it on a CD instead. I would have prefered a hard copy to a soft copy. Jee siang was behaving like a dodgy character. Said he was afraid teachers might catch him and he wasn't really on good terms with them.
Went to eat chicken rice at dover then headed down to Queensway to buy a new pair of shoes... finally. A pale light brown, velvety pair of Converse sneakers. Jee siang took ages to decide haha... he was searching for his Pires' Puma shoe. We went down to Orchard to continue the hunt. Not at Taka, not at Heeren. But he got another pair instead at the Heeren, a black and white soccer boots look-alike one. That was $109, but the shopkeeper made a mistake and charged him $59 only. He still paid back the $50 afterwards.
Actually today marks a special day for me... the first anniversary since I first met shuwen. That was the prime reason I wanted to go back to school today. I saw her again but she was with a male stranger i guessed would be her boyfriend. Hahaha that guy definitely has got the build and the height and looked really cool. Wasn't a very pleasing sight for me but was satisfying yet miserable?
I was kind of brooding over it for a while. I knew all along that she wasn't interested in me. But I still clinged on to my hopes. Why? I wondered. After a nice afternoon nap, periods deep in thoughts and reading articles regarding relationships and the Christian perspective, I received enlightment from the Lord. I had been confused all along because I didn't know how to respond to liking somebody. After all, she was the first girl that I became really interested in. I began to be able to sort out my emotions and perspectives, then I saw a reflection of myself.
All along, I did not want to let go because I viewed relationship as a commitment, and would readily give myself up to utmost devotion. I believed that if I liked somebody, I shouldn't be frivolous. Thus, I have always felt a sense of pejorative when I look at or talk to other girls. Perhaps it may be narrow-mindedness, but I stood by my convictions. Then again, how can there be a relationship when I don't even know her in the first place? Was it love at first sight? haha I do believe in fairy tales, and maybe it's because I'm too childish and immatured to truly understand such complicated matters.
People ask me what I am fond of about her. Her looks? her smile? her chirpy voice? Up till now, I have yet to find an answer. Many criticism has also been targeted at me because of this. But I have never regreted liking her. God has showered many blessings upon me through her, and I think I've learned a lot more in failure than I ever will in success. Then again, would it be called failure? In a society where success is the subject, I've learn that there's more to failure than there is to it.
Then does my life just revolve around her? This was a big question that hit me sending me into a state of depression many a time. I often felt a conflict between my life with God and my single-sided affinity for her. Had I been putting too much focus and expending too much of my energy just thinking about her, that I've neglected my walk with Christ? Sometimes, I get so weary that I give up on whatever I'm doing. Still remember the recent GP mock where I couldn't focus and failed to complete my paper.
I feel the urge to clarify all my doubts and clear my thoughts. So much fulfilment, yet too much tears. Been through waves and storms, emotional rollercoasters, ups and downs. I need to speak with her, tell her the truth, so that I need not be shackled by my conscience, that I can be set free. Better or worse, I have to muster the courage to confront my fears, my iniquities; the obstacles are tough, the cost is pricely.
I just wish that she wouldn't mind my incompetence in handling such matters... being inexperienced and all. The Lord will back me up in this area, He always does.
Went to eat chicken rice at dover then headed down to Queensway to buy a new pair of shoes... finally. A pale light brown, velvety pair of Converse sneakers. Jee siang took ages to decide haha... he was searching for his Pires' Puma shoe. We went down to Orchard to continue the hunt. Not at Taka, not at Heeren. But he got another pair instead at the Heeren, a black and white soccer boots look-alike one. That was $109, but the shopkeeper made a mistake and charged him $59 only. He still paid back the $50 afterwards.
Actually today marks a special day for me... the first anniversary since I first met shuwen. That was the prime reason I wanted to go back to school today. I saw her again but she was with a male stranger i guessed would be her boyfriend. Hahaha that guy definitely has got the build and the height and looked really cool. Wasn't a very pleasing sight for me but was satisfying yet miserable?
I was kind of brooding over it for a while. I knew all along that she wasn't interested in me. But I still clinged on to my hopes. Why? I wondered. After a nice afternoon nap, periods deep in thoughts and reading articles regarding relationships and the Christian perspective, I received enlightment from the Lord. I had been confused all along because I didn't know how to respond to liking somebody. After all, she was the first girl that I became really interested in. I began to be able to sort out my emotions and perspectives, then I saw a reflection of myself.
All along, I did not want to let go because I viewed relationship as a commitment, and would readily give myself up to utmost devotion. I believed that if I liked somebody, I shouldn't be frivolous. Thus, I have always felt a sense of pejorative when I look at or talk to other girls. Perhaps it may be narrow-mindedness, but I stood by my convictions. Then again, how can there be a relationship when I don't even know her in the first place? Was it love at first sight? haha I do believe in fairy tales, and maybe it's because I'm too childish and immatured to truly understand such complicated matters.
People ask me what I am fond of about her. Her looks? her smile? her chirpy voice? Up till now, I have yet to find an answer. Many criticism has also been targeted at me because of this. But I have never regreted liking her. God has showered many blessings upon me through her, and I think I've learned a lot more in failure than I ever will in success. Then again, would it be called failure? In a society where success is the subject, I've learn that there's more to failure than there is to it.
Then does my life just revolve around her? This was a big question that hit me sending me into a state of depression many a time. I often felt a conflict between my life with God and my single-sided affinity for her. Had I been putting too much focus and expending too much of my energy just thinking about her, that I've neglected my walk with Christ? Sometimes, I get so weary that I give up on whatever I'm doing. Still remember the recent GP mock where I couldn't focus and failed to complete my paper.
I feel the urge to clarify all my doubts and clear my thoughts. So much fulfilment, yet too much tears. Been through waves and storms, emotional rollercoasters, ups and downs. I need to speak with her, tell her the truth, so that I need not be shackled by my conscience, that I can be set free. Better or worse, I have to muster the courage to confront my fears, my iniquities; the obstacles are tough, the cost is pricely.
I just wish that she wouldn't mind my incompetence in handling such matters... being inexperienced and all. The Lord will back me up in this area, He always does.
Friday, October 17, 2003
Long Day; felt so happening mwahaha. Got out of bed early thinking it was saturday already. Anyway went to school for gp mock. After the mock, was raining cats and dogs. Stranded in school but thankfully had company for lunch. Didn't want to wait any longer so left when it was still drizzling. Got a lil soaked but love the kind of feeling. Went home with jeesiang and took a nap. Felt so tired.
Woke up half an hour later. Seems like another day has begun. Realized that I was almost late to meet liujun shufen and meiqi @ 1:45pm. Rushed down, across clementi mrt station to the taxi stand on the opposite side of the road. They were already in a cab. That felt exhilarating... like some game where I have to reach a designated location in a limited time frame hahaha.
Chin's tuition is ever so enlightening. Went through Thermodynamics and Ideal Gas in a brisk, seems to summarize down to just a few equations and then applying them to the questions. Wished I had gone for tuition earlier.. seems like not a lot of time left for preparation of A's.
End of tuition wasn't the end of the day! Went back to wingfat's place and then jogged with jeesiang to school to play soccer! Couldn't really play properly cause my body was already aching... fatigue kicking in. Anyway matthew should have been there, cause fox went to the gym and she was in this really sexy looking outfit. Mortal instinct told me she was looking really pretty and definitely classy, but she doesn't have shuwen's smile anyway so haha.. To be serious, I felt a little guilty cause it isn't right to look at a woman lustfully. For it is written:
"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. - Matthew 5:27-28
I acknowledge my iniquity but more importantly I want to affirm myself that it is by keeping the statutes of God in my heart that prevents me from sinning even more, that I am constrained from the vile intentions leading to sin that I may be free from shame and guilt.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "- and you forgave the guilt of my sin. - Psalm 32:5
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. - Hebrews 4:15-16
I feel a lot better when I speak out honestly from my heart. Less burden on me, cause Jesus has carried them for me. And I didn't look back at her. Overcomed the temptation by the help of the Lord.
Stopped playing at about 7 and began the arduous journey back to Clementi by foot once again! Had to bear with the intolerable stench reeking out of my brother's shoe till I reached home @ 9pm? Seems early but boy was that a long day for me haha. Decided to take a trip down to queensway to buy new pair for myself tomorrow.
Timothy asked me to pass him a physics textbook and the computing notes to him tomorrow. I feel like I'm going to forget... Hope I don't. Anyway, I'm looking forward to going to school in ACS(I) uniform haha.. can pretend to be a freshie and sign up with all the CCAs? though we are not likely to go beach any more... can get tanned another time.
Woke up half an hour later. Seems like another day has begun. Realized that I was almost late to meet liujun shufen and meiqi @ 1:45pm. Rushed down, across clementi mrt station to the taxi stand on the opposite side of the road. They were already in a cab. That felt exhilarating... like some game where I have to reach a designated location in a limited time frame hahaha.
Chin's tuition is ever so enlightening. Went through Thermodynamics and Ideal Gas in a brisk, seems to summarize down to just a few equations and then applying them to the questions. Wished I had gone for tuition earlier.. seems like not a lot of time left for preparation of A's.
End of tuition wasn't the end of the day! Went back to wingfat's place and then jogged with jeesiang to school to play soccer! Couldn't really play properly cause my body was already aching... fatigue kicking in. Anyway matthew should have been there, cause fox went to the gym and she was in this really sexy looking outfit. Mortal instinct told me she was looking really pretty and definitely classy, but she doesn't have shuwen's smile anyway so haha.. To be serious, I felt a little guilty cause it isn't right to look at a woman lustfully. For it is written:
"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. - Matthew 5:27-28
I acknowledge my iniquity but more importantly I want to affirm myself that it is by keeping the statutes of God in my heart that prevents me from sinning even more, that I am constrained from the vile intentions leading to sin that I may be free from shame and guilt.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "- and you forgave the guilt of my sin. - Psalm 32:5
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. - Hebrews 4:15-16
I feel a lot better when I speak out honestly from my heart. Less burden on me, cause Jesus has carried them for me. And I didn't look back at her. Overcomed the temptation by the help of the Lord.
Stopped playing at about 7 and began the arduous journey back to Clementi by foot once again! Had to bear with the intolerable stench reeking out of my brother's shoe till I reached home @ 9pm? Seems early but boy was that a long day for me haha. Decided to take a trip down to queensway to buy new pair for myself tomorrow.
Timothy asked me to pass him a physics textbook and the computing notes to him tomorrow. I feel like I'm going to forget... Hope I don't. Anyway, I'm looking forward to going to school in ACS(I) uniform haha.. can pretend to be a freshie and sign up with all the CCAs? though we are not likely to go beach any more... can get tanned another time.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
My nose leaking like a faucet again. looking terribly terrible. Had to sit through Econs mock for almost 2 and a half hour in the MPH and gasping for my breath. Could hardly concentrate in doing the essay. Later even went to gym to work out with jeesiang, but eric was *dead* so never tag along.
Think I'm sick. Feeling warm over my body. My nose is numb. Face burning. Feeling tired. Muscles are weak. Gotta go to sleep. Still got school tomorrow GP mock. Want to go beach at Sentosa on Saturday. Gotta get a tan. Must take care of myself. zzz..
Think I'm sick. Feeling warm over my body. My nose is numb. Face burning. Feeling tired. Muscles are weak. Gotta go to sleep. Still got school tomorrow GP mock. Want to go beach at Sentosa on Saturday. Gotta get a tan. Must take care of myself. zzz..
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Played tennis with jeesiang and wingfat today. Good way to destress, if there was any pressure in the first place lol. Wingfat bought a pair of shorts just to play, but less than a day using it it was already torn again! acjc should cater clothes for people of bigger size.. or perhaps wingfat should just go on a diet.
Bumped into shuwen again after tennis at the school gate. Don't know what came over me, but I really wanted to break the silence from within myself. So I said "Bye Bye." in quite an unfashionable manner.. She didn't reply. Wonder if I was rude in not addressing her first, but guess she doesn't care too much about it either haha. To one you may mean nothing but to another you may mean the world.
Found some of my ex-TCHS friends on Friendster, to my delight. Started off trying to find a friend in shuwen, though i failed, got to re-connect with my old friends whom I lost contact. Glad that they still remember me. I believe that it's all part of God's plan for me, and it ain't just coincidence.
Job 31:1-4
"I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. For what is man's lot from God above, his heritage from the Almighty on high? Is it not ruin for the wicked, disaster for those who do wrong? Does he not see my ways and count my every step?
Spent too much time pondering what people think of me... feel the world misunderstand me sometimes. But reassurance comes from Him that knows me better than i know myself, who stands by me when i fail myself. Know that God is always there so turn to Him, what have you got to lose when you've got nothing? It's painful to feel misrepresented, but I guess as long as I'm true to myself and true to God, I don't have to feel guilty or sorry.
"But they need not account for the money entrusted to them, because they are acting faithfully." - 2 Kings 22:7
Bumped into shuwen again after tennis at the school gate. Don't know what came over me, but I really wanted to break the silence from within myself. So I said "Bye Bye." in quite an unfashionable manner.. She didn't reply. Wonder if I was rude in not addressing her first, but guess she doesn't care too much about it either haha. To one you may mean nothing but to another you may mean the world.
Found some of my ex-TCHS friends on Friendster, to my delight. Started off trying to find a friend in shuwen, though i failed, got to re-connect with my old friends whom I lost contact. Glad that they still remember me. I believe that it's all part of God's plan for me, and it ain't just coincidence.
Job 31:1-4
"I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. For what is man's lot from God above, his heritage from the Almighty on high? Is it not ruin for the wicked, disaster for those who do wrong? Does he not see my ways and count my every step?
Spent too much time pondering what people think of me... feel the world misunderstand me sometimes. But reassurance comes from Him that knows me better than i know myself, who stands by me when i fail myself. Know that God is always there so turn to Him, what have you got to lose when you've got nothing? It's painful to feel misrepresented, but I guess as long as I'm true to myself and true to God, I don't have to feel guilty or sorry.
"But they need not account for the money entrusted to them, because they are acting faithfully." - 2 Kings 22:7
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Monday, October 13, 2003
Wow.. realize the past few days I've been rather poetic. Haha.. drew inspiration from my experiences. No more poems till I get melancholic again; just kidding.
Anyway, the best thing that happened today was Timothy talking to me again! He told me that I was acting pro,and indeed it was true to some extent. I always try to be different from the rest especially in front of shuwen.. and it must have made a lot of people around me irritated. Sorry, but I never meant to hurt anyone, especially my friends whom I treasure a lot. I really WUV u all. Haha doesn't make me a gay does it?
Glad that my friends actually come to visit my blog, though I never told them I had one. The fact that they bother to search for it shows that they do care for me! Once in a while, they leave messages on the tag board and I know that they show concern for me. Awww this is getting too mushy so I'm just gonna laugh over it.
Honestly, I am quite a direct and open person so shoot your "bangs" at me. Really, tell me my mistakes so I may grow out of it. Admonish me and slap me out of my dream. I'd rather you antagonise me then ignore me - the greatest form of torture between friends.
Liu Jun send me new pics today taken on the last day of school. Econs was slack cause Mrs Choo forgot about it! Got to complete the college annual again T_T long day ahead... Did something bad today but didn't mean it... feel embarassed to talk about it too.
Almost forgot to wish all my friends taking chem paper tomorrow "All the best". You can have all my blessings too cause I ain't going to need it mwahaha for tmr. Enjoy ^^
words of wisdom and encouragement from a close friend
"'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11
Anyway, the best thing that happened today was Timothy talking to me again! He told me that I was acting pro,and indeed it was true to some extent. I always try to be different from the rest especially in front of shuwen.. and it must have made a lot of people around me irritated. Sorry, but I never meant to hurt anyone, especially my friends whom I treasure a lot. I really WUV u all. Haha doesn't make me a gay does it?
Glad that my friends actually come to visit my blog, though I never told them I had one. The fact that they bother to search for it shows that they do care for me! Once in a while, they leave messages on the tag board and I know that they show concern for me. Awww this is getting too mushy so I'm just gonna laugh over it.
Honestly, I am quite a direct and open person so shoot your "bangs" at me. Really, tell me my mistakes so I may grow out of it. Admonish me and slap me out of my dream. I'd rather you antagonise me then ignore me - the greatest form of torture between friends.
Liu Jun send me new pics today taken on the last day of school. Econs was slack cause Mrs Choo forgot about it! Got to complete the college annual again T_T long day ahead... Did something bad today but didn't mean it... feel embarassed to talk about it too.
Almost forgot to wish all my friends taking chem paper tomorrow "All the best". You can have all my blessings too cause I ain't going to need it mwahaha for tmr. Enjoy ^^
words of wisdom and encouragement from a close friend
"'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Observe.Interprete.Correlate.Apply
Bible Study for a fruit-bearing Christian
Cried out during worship. I was moved to tears by God's faithfulness to me today. He has seen me through every step in my life, sharing happiness and woes with me. I realized I am never alone, cause He will be by my side. Then why does my heart aches so much? Why has he left me in the lurch to suffer? Why doesn't he answer my call, my wants, my desires?
As the fledging spawn its feathers, it will soon spread its wings and take its first flight to independence. Leaping off its nest into a harsh and uncompromising environment, it will learn to fly. Wings astretched, a step taken forward. Diving down, flapping relentlessly for dear life. But it is the wind that carries the young, lifting it to higher realms. Then, the fledging will learn to soar like an eagle, ascending to greater heights.
And in 18 years, the fledging has unknowingly matured into the king of the skies, a majestic sight. Thank you Lord for everything.
A Servant's Cry
Tears stream down your servant's eyes.
Sorrow has morphed into inexplicable joy.
Now engulfed in a sea of music,
Exalt Your name on high.
Love so tender a silky touch,
Yet quakes the heart of mountains.
Spirit rekindled life renewed,
A new lease of energy the soul exudes.
You grant understanding to him that yearns for wisdom;
You ease the pain of him that seeks comfort;
You lift the burden of him that is encumbered;
Truly the Lord is faithful and forever to be praised.
Bible Study for a fruit-bearing Christian
Cried out during worship. I was moved to tears by God's faithfulness to me today. He has seen me through every step in my life, sharing happiness and woes with me. I realized I am never alone, cause He will be by my side. Then why does my heart aches so much? Why has he left me in the lurch to suffer? Why doesn't he answer my call, my wants, my desires?
As the fledging spawn its feathers, it will soon spread its wings and take its first flight to independence. Leaping off its nest into a harsh and uncompromising environment, it will learn to fly. Wings astretched, a step taken forward. Diving down, flapping relentlessly for dear life. But it is the wind that carries the young, lifting it to higher realms. Then, the fledging will learn to soar like an eagle, ascending to greater heights.
And in 18 years, the fledging has unknowingly matured into the king of the skies, a majestic sight. Thank you Lord for everything.
A Servant's Cry
Tears stream down your servant's eyes.
Sorrow has morphed into inexplicable joy.
Now engulfed in a sea of music,
Exalt Your name on high.
Love so tender a silky touch,
Yet quakes the heart of mountains.
Spirit rekindled life renewed,
A new lease of energy the soul exudes.
You grant understanding to him that yearns for wisdom;
You ease the pain of him that seeks comfort;
You lift the burden of him that is encumbered;
Truly the Lord is faithful and forever to be praised.
